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Today's jokes [11.9.17]

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Could this herald the return of our resident wise man, Cunning Lin Gus?

Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea.
"I call my man 'Eight,' " said the first woman, "Because he's got
 eight inches, and we do it eight times a day."
The second woman said in response, "I call my man 'Ten'because his dong
is ten inches long, and we do it ten times every night."
The first woman then asked the third woman "What do you call your man?"
She answered " 'Creme de Menthe.' "
"Why?  Isn't' that a liqueur?" the other two wanted to know.
"Yep, it is," said the woman, continuing, "yeah, you betcha!"



1. 




THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS....THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN 

"Members of Congress...People of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. 
Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player 
in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. 

The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, 
mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler 
Earl Campbell would envy, which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the 
ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,
and she'd be married to the President. 

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped 
Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid 
hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass 
that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. 

Six years ago there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen.
But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. 

Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place 
called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, 
it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. 

There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,smiling the whole time 
like his lithium drip just kicked in. 

Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausable deniability,' 
and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. 

Johnson was an inbred, power mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was 
Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long 
enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver wrestling" shared by at 
least a dozen former residents of the White House. 

Which brings me back to my point. 

Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for 
less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a 
fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. 

Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock 
market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb dust, and anyone with a degree from 
a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance 
cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. 

Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. 

What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's 
a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where 
you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm 
parking the Presidential Limousine. 

Thank you, good night, and God Bless America. 

2. 




A blonde named Vikki decides she wants to try horseback 
riding one day. So Vikki mounts the horse, taps its butt, 
and the horse starts to take off at a reasonable speed. She 
is having fun, and decides she wants to go a little faster, 
so she kicks the horses butt, and the horse goes just a 
little faster. All of a sudden Vikki begins to lose her 
grip on the reigns of the horse and she begins to fall off, 
she starts screaming but the horse seemingly unoticing its 
rider continues... Now Vikki is grabbing on the the horses 
mane when she beigns to feel tired and her grip starts to 
fail. The blond lets go of the horses mane, only to get her 
foot caught in the saddle. So now she is riding along, the 
horse unnoticing and Vikki's head is beating against the 
ground over, and over, and over. She almost loses 
conscience when the Wal-Mart manager runs out and turns off 
the horse.

Sent by Marge

3. 




How do you get four old ladies to say the F word?

Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!

4. 




On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple
go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all
showered and wearing her beautiful robe. 
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you
can open your robe." 
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is
astonished. "Oh, oh, aaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you
are so beautiful, let me take your picture." 
Puzzled she asks, "my picture?" 
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next
to my heart forever." 
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into
the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the
new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." 
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaimes, "oh, oh, my,
let me get a picture." 
He beams and asks, "why?" 
She answers, "so I can get it enlarged!" 

5. 



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