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Today's jokes [11.14.17]

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Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take
your pick?
Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.



1. 




Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: They taste funny!!


2. 




The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor 
"Big Chief no fart." The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day. 
The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, "Big Chief no 
fart." The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him ten 
pills an hour. The girl comes back the next day and says, "Big Chief no 
fart." After hearing this the doctor gets so pissed off that he tells her 
to give him a jar an hour. The next day the girl comes back crying and 
says "Big fart no Chief!" 

3. 




Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise ship
that sank in the Bermuda Triangle. They made it to an uninhabited island.

Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamed
of what she was doing.

Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamed
of what they were doing.

Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again--being so ashamed
of what they were doing. 

4. 




Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age,
rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from
other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became
flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to
hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister
and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny
described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off
most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured
sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He
must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to
feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good
as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been
getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis
got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I
know it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had
gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants
and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway, he grabbed it
in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got
really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started
calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the
ones I saw at the lake!

Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off.
All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her
back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took
a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it
from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a
scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel
put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and her
boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by
squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend
sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because
it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and
her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting
anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel wasn't
dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels
are like cats... They have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about
35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time
because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted. 

5. 



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