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Today's jokes [11.13.17]

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The following was contributed by Emil:

A man walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and says to the barman,
"cor! I've just had my first blow-job and it was great! -- I'll have a
large whiskey please, barman." The man takes his whiskey and downs it. 
"Same again?" asks the barman. "Okay" says the man and downs the second. 
He then orders a third and a forth and downs them both.In fact in total
he downs 27 whiskeys. "Do you want another?" asks the barman. "No I don't 
think so", says the man, "If 27 whiskeys won't take away the taste
I don't think that another one will!"


1. 




There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For 
no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink 
with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago 
wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, 
sending him flying way off into the jungle.

"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks.

"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied.
"Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."

2. 




A department store had to call off its special summer sale in August 
because of a conflict -- its Christmas sale was beginning two days later.

3. 




   A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best
   friend in bed. The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "My
   God Pete !!! I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU ???"


4. 




A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the
 doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the
 first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor
 replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say
 something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it
 again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her
 deafness".

 Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He
 starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping
 some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.
 He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet
 closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about
 an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

 She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

5. 



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