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Today's jokes [11.11.17]

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One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go
out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his
wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.
The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't
stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the
infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father all that
he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine
the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid
the diaper, he finds that the diaper is indeed full. "Here's the
problem", the Dr. says. "He needs a change." The father is very
perplexed, " But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs!"

1. 




   A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the
   ship after a big night
   ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over
   himself. Pointing to an
   apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in
   the brig for vomiting
   on me!"
   The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that
   the young seaman
   had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
   "Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he`d also shit in
   your pants."
   


2. 




"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little 
boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. 
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me 
to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I 
had to force him, but he ate it!"

3. 




Did you know Sex is a crime?

Its a misdemeanor - The more I miss de meaner I get..

4. 




Did you here what Monica Lewinskys' mother said when she brought home her
dress?
What,doesn't the White House have any club soda?

5. 



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