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Today's jokes [10.3.17]

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This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would
spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house,
he was told that the only way he could play today was if he
was willing to play along with three nuns. 
He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole
he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. 
He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker.
"Goddammit!" he said.
"Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language
around us." said the nun. 
"I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again." 
The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty
yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them. 
"Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun. 
"Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man. 
"Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree." 

1. 




Judy arrived home from her date, tossed her coat over a chair, her handbag 
over the banister, she threw her clothes around the bedroom without care. 
The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good 
time?
"Oh", sighed Judy, "I had a wonderful time."
"I thought as much", her mother remarked, "Your underpants are still stuck 
to the ceiling!"

2. 




Lee was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent
   his wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the reason
   for his haste he shivered and replied: "I'm afraid that if I should
   ever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try to
   repossess me."


3. 




How do you change a blonde's mind?

     Blow in her ear. 

4. 




Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia.
His mate asked him what it was like.
"Australia's a great place!" Paddy replied. "First they take you home
and fill you so full of piss you can't stand up. Then, to top it off, they
let you fuck their women whenever you want."
"Is that right?" said his mate very impressed. "I always heard Australians
were real pricks."
"Well," said Paddy, "Only the white ones!"

5. 



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