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Today's jokes [10.2.17]

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    THE LIFE OF A COMPUTER ANALYST
   (Long but VERY Funny!)
   Monday
   ------
   8:05am
   User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password
   retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and
   hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too?
   8:12am
   Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports
   database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works
   for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from
   the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again.
   One more happy customer...
   8:14 am
   User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing
   Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to
   microsupport.
   11:00 am
   Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back
   in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this
   weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down
   in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are
   this weekend!
   11:34 am
   Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed
   on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access
   database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so
   performance reviews are sent to */US.
   12:00 pm
   Lunch
   3:30 pm
   Return from lunch.
   3:55 pm
   Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no
   reason. Return to napping.
   4:23 pm
   Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask
   them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they
   find out.
   4:55 pm
   Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift
   has something to do.
   Tuesday
   -------
   8:30 am
   Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible
   time with Save/Replication conflicts.
   9:00 am
   Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on
   PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Could you put
   something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support
   lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
   9:35 pm
   Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need
   form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell
   them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such
   a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
   10:00 am
   Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell
   her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital
   status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for
   Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell
   her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last
   week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally
   deliver ID to her apartment.
   10:07 am
   Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.
   Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I
   grab a smoke.
   1:00 pm
   Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
   transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
   1:05 pm
   Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor
   tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running
   in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"
   1:15 pm
   Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in
   form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix
   it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
   1:20 pm
   Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for
   "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over
   industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes."
   Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and
   hangs up.
   2:00 pm
   Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in
   her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably
   fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the
   airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for
   her while she does that.
   2:49 pm
   Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
   Wednesday
   ---------
   8:30 am
   Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.
   Tell them of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not
   "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
   9:10am
   Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules
   10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support
   manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about
   to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...
   10:00 am
   Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support
   manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several
   lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world
   countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask
   if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail
   databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer
   in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he
   reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
   10:30 am
   Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate
   PBX system sometime.
   11:00 am
   Lunch.
   4:55 pm
   Return from lunch.
   5:00 pm
   Shift change; Going home.
   Thursday
   --------
   8:00 am
   New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him
   server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM
   PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both
   monochrome and color.
   8:45 am
   New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him.
   Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
   9:30 am
   Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments.
   Is this guy great or what?!
   11:00 am
   Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of
   sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is
   down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and
   plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
   11:55 am
   Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee
   beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with
   said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and
   relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point
   to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so
   myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell
   to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
   1:00 pm
   Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
   4:30 pm
   Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
   5:00 pm
   Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing
   the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
   Friday
   ------
   8:00 am
   Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told
   them it worked fine before I left.
   9:00 am
   Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls
   myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
   9:02 am
   Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the
   Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call
   Telecommunications.
   9:30 am
   Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and
   can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a
   two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two
   hours.
   10:17 am
   Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to
   set server ahead three hours.
   11:00 am
   E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on
   their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
   11:20 am
   Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
   11:23 am
   Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
   11:25 am
   Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to
   get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment
   with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in
   on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"
   11:30 am
   Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a
   meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell
   him.
   12:00 am
   Lunch.
   1:00 pm
   Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make
   them fast.
   1:03 pm
   Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
   2:30 pm
   Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm
   appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
   2:39 pm
   New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection
   document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL.
   Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
   2:50 pm
   Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means
   appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if
   he's seen corporate Web page lately.
   3:00 pm
   Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest
   they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them
   document addendum which says so.
   4:00 pm
   Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set
   point size to "2" in help databases.
   4:30 pm
   User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to
   go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then
   refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
   4:45 pm
   Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them
   I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
   4:58 pm
   Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too)
   much.
   5:00 pm
   Night shift shows up. Tell them the hub is acting funny and to have a
   good weekend.


1. 




Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?

A: Facing Bloomingdales

2. 




Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else 
in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the 
bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE 
DAYS before they figured it OUT. 

And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs 
despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 
SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light 
bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to 
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! 
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT 
BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! 

BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER 
WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP 
THROGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. 

THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did 
you ask me?

3. 




The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract
and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering
trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night
stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already
in one.
"I can't help feeling that we've met before." he said.
"Yeah, I know." sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me
a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'. 

4. 




Software Development Process



1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team

2) Announce availability

3) Write the code

4) Write the manual

5) Hire a Product Manager

6) Spec the software
        (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the
        software meets the specifications)

7) Ship

8) Test
        (the customers are a big help here)

9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements

10) Announce the upgrade program



5. 



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