Today's jokes [10.13.17]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple
scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked,
"That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found
my wife in bed with my best friend.
"Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple
scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house."
As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So
what did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in
the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her
stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your best
"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a
costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out
a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough."
She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
concerning their "urges".
The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it,
squeeze my BOOB twice."
The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it,
pull my DONG 48 times."
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and
presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up
against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales
took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his
wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took
out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press --
and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the
problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The
message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door
and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago
that I lost my dear wife and children.
I'll never forget that game of cards...
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31