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Today's jokes [8.8.14]

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A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, "how much?" she 
replies, "$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up." He asks what the 
difference is, and she tells him, "it's my hairdresser's fee!"

1. 




Q: Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs?
A: You will when you're older, Lucy!


2. 




How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?

When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo 

3. 




A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning.
He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the
next Monday. "Downsizing."

He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it
doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to
figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill
standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be
one of them."

He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.
Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's
in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to
think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and
Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.

"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything
okay?"
He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I
can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."

And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest
you jack off.

4. 




What's a blonde's mating call? 

     I think I'm drunk. 

5. 



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