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Today's jokes [8.14.14]

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   The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent
   marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This
   court does not take annulments lightly."
   
   "Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I
   thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had
   married a wide receiver."


1. 




A MAN'S SCHEDULE 
1. Get up. 
2. Pass gas. 
3. Drink cup of black coffee. 
4. Pass gas. 
5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work". 
6. Pass gas. 
7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for 
work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site. 
6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out 
car. 
7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all 
patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands. 
8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries. 
Pass gas. 
9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas. 
10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall 
asleep. 
11. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her 
off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining 
what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women" 
online. Pass gas.

2. 




A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the movies 
when his toupee slides off. As he's groping around for it, his hand goes 
between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her twat.
She says, "That's it! That's it!"
He says, "It can't be. I part mine on the side." 

3. 




   A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours
   to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long
   cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him since he only
   had 24 hours to live.
   
   "Of course Darling," she replied.
   
   And so they have sex.
   
   Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again and
   says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do
   it again?"
   
   Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
   
   Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He
   taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only
   have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?"
   
   By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
   
   After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps
   her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering
   you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it
   one more time?"
   
   She turns to him with a sour look on her face and says, "You
   know....... you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"
   


4. 




What do you call a villager with 500 girlfriends?

A shepherd.

5. 



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