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Today's jokes [8.13.14]

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A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman. 
He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?" 
"Don't Miss me, mister." 
"Well then, you better make it 13." 

1. 




On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic 
light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. 

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa 
bring that to you?" 

The kid says, "Yeah." 

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on 
that bike." 

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety 
violation ticket. 

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, 

"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring 
that to you?" 

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." 

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick 
underneath the horse, instead of on top."

2. 




Q: Why do New Zealanders have sex with sheep on the edge of mountains?
A: So they push back harder.


3. 




What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? 

     - Quattro Sink-o 

4. 




There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night 
and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a 
virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been 
laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't 
worry about you." 

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 
o'clock...12 o'clock... 

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs 
Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??" 

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with 
her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck 
between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it 
came out.  When I find the other half you're gonna have the 
time of your life!!!"

5. 



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