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Today's jokes [8.12.14]

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How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
      
-Both of them.

1. 




In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep
   with President Clinton?" 86% replied, "Not again"


2. 




   One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a
   thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help
   her get the thorn out.
   
   The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"
   
   The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."
   
   So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out
   he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".
   
   The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?" The
   ant climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey overhead
   drops a coconut on the elephant's head.
   
   "Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all
   bitch."
   


3. 




An Australian joke...

St Peter is standing at the pearly gates one day when a pair of Abo's 
stroll up.
"Your names aren't on today's list... let me go and ask the Boss" he says.
In God's office he tells the Big Man all about the two Abo's, and God
tells Peter to go and tell them to fuck right off.
St Peter takes his leave. 
5 minutes later St Peter runs back into the room and says "they're gone"
God says "the Abo's? Good". 
and St Peter replies... "NO THE PEARLY GATES!!!".


4. 




A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem 
doctor" Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this 
earsplitting yell." "MY dear," the shrink said, "that's completely 
natural. I don't see what problem is?" "The problem is," she complained, 
"It wakes me up."



5. 



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