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Today's jokes [7.5.14]

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Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying. 
"Why are you crying?" asked the other child. 
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger." 
When he heard this, the other child started to cry. 
"Why are you crying?" 
"I'm here for a urine test."


There were these three morticians talking about their greatest feats. 
The first one says, "I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine. 
Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!!" 
The next guy says, "oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall 
15 stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him 
ready for an open casket funeral in two days!!!" The third guy sulks 
in the corner, "man. both y'all got me beat. I had this lady parachutist 
who landed on the empire state building. it took me four days just to get 
the grin off her face."


What is the difference between a hockey game
                           and a High School reunion? 

At a hockey game you see fast pucks. 


A woman recently lost her husband.  She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home.  Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on
the counter.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes,
she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that
BlowJob I promised you?  Here it comes..."


A big 300 pound, seven foot brute of a man walked into a bar one
evening and said to the bartender "Give everyone a drink except
that gay guy over there"

About fifteen minutes later he gives the same order, "Give everyone
a drink except that gay guy over there"

The gay guy asks the bartender for two ice cubes. The bartender
asks why, and the gay guy says "I am going to put one in each cheek,
go over there, and cold-cock that big sonofabitch!" 


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