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Today's jokes [7.4.14]

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   There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of
   control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a
   while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well...  what
   about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife ?"
   
   "Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her
   hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer.
   
   His friends were amazed ! "What happened then ?" they asked, almost in
   unison.
   
   "Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight
   like a man !' " he admitted.


1. 




   A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
   
   She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
   
   When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
   close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
   which is full and bushy.
   
   "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
   hands.
   
   "Actually, no" he replies.
   
   "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running
   her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
   
   "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused.
   
   "Is there anything I can do?"
   
   "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
   huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
   to suck them gently.
   
   "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
   


2. 




At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out,
"Platoon, atten-HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your 
brother died last night."
The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. "Sergeant," he said
afterwards, "that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic 
news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future,"
The sergeant shrugged. "Yes sir. I'll try to remember that." He didn't
look very convinced.
Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the 
troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward.
"Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the 
sleepy-looking soldiers and said, "Platoon, atten-HUT !" They came to 
attention. "Good morning, men!" he said. "Good morning, sir", they 
replied. "Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be 
calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of you
who are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well, 
take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast!"

3. 




   Three guys are applying for a job with the CIA. They get all the way
   to the final test.
   
   So the first guy walks into the director's office and sits down. The
   director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. He lays it on his
   desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your
   loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room
   on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head."
   The guy looks at him and says, "No way." So the director says, "You
   fail."
   
   The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy
   picks up the gun and heads for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes
   later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it.
   The director says, "You fail."
   
   So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room.
   The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass
   breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up
   and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?"
   Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in
   the gun so I had to choke the bitch to death."
   


4. 




A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girl
friend he'd have it fixed in no time. 
However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He asked
his girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them. 

She said that would be allright. After getting his hands warm he
went back to fixing the tire but it was so cold he could not
continue so he again asked his girl if he could warm his hands.

She again said it would be allright. When his hands were warm he
went back to fixing the tire once more. But before he been out
there five minutes or so he again asked her if he could warm his
hands.

His girl asked "Honey don't your ears ever get cold?" 

5. 



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