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Today's jokes [7.29.14]

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How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
Two in the front, two in the back.


1. 




What do Viagra And DisneyLand have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour
waiting for a two minute ride!!


2. 




   An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian
   outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer
   swilling locals and in his well educated voice asks the bartender,
   "May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man."
   
   One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a
   fucking man's drink is that?"
   
   Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom!
   Gin and fucking tonic -- are you some fucking kind of a poofter or
   something?"
   
   "Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a
   taxidermist."
   
   "Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist then?"
   
   "I mount d..d..dead animals."
   
   "It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "He's
   one of us!"
   


3. 




   A negro was travelling in china. In a remote village, he came upon an
   elderly chinaman
   skipping stones across a lake. At each bounce of the stone off the
   water, the mountains
   surrounding the lake echoed back, "CHING...CHANG...CHUN..."
   The negro was amazed. He asked the chinaman what was going on.
   "Oh", said the chinee, "magic spirit of the lake echo back the names
   of your ancient
   ancestors as your stone skip upon the sacred waters".
   "Wow", said the negro, "can I try it?".
   "Certainly", replied the chinaman.
   The negro picked up the biggest stone he could find, and gave it a
   mighty heave across the
   waters...and as it skipped across the waters, the mountains echoed
   back
   "CHIM...PAN...ZEE...."
   


4. 




                   American University Grading Procedures
     
   
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
 - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
 - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in.  The professor opens the books  and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
 - All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF RELEGION:
 - Grade is determined by God.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
 - What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:
 - Students are asked to defend their position of why they
should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
 - Grades are variable.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
 - If and only if the student is present for the final and
the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student
will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
 - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the
 instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp
 and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
 - Everybody gets an A.
  


5. 



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