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Today's jokes [7.23.14]

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The Speed of Time by Age



 0-9  Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going
      to Albania - by covered wagon. Most common phrase: "Is it
      Christmas yet?"

10-19 Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks
      actually move backwards just before the bell rings.

20-29 Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet
      paychecks seem further and further apart.

30-39 Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone
      and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most
      common phrase: "Is it Christmas already?"

40-49 Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he
      might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he
      said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be
      slowing down?

60-69 Hey! What happened to 50-59?

70 +  Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like
      they're over in a couple weeks.



1. 




There's a fire at the whorehouse

-- some come out running and others run out coming!

2. 




Whats the difference between a bunch of lawyers in a porche
and a porcupine? 

    - A porcupine has pricks on the outside! 

3. 




Are YOU A HARD MAN?

1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?

a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.

2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you?

a) Whisper back "I love you too".
b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.
c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath".


3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?

a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.
c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.

4/. If you break wind during the night do you?

a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.
b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off. c)
Blame her and give her a boot.

5/. If she breaks wind do you?

a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.
b) Clout the bitch.
c) Say "you dirty bitch" and shove her out in the back yard.

6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro.
Do you? a) Close the door quietly and clear off. b) Join in and
stick it up the negro's arse. c) Dowse them both with petrol and
set fire to the cunts.

7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap and
she's in the bath. Do you?

a) Go next door and use theirs.
b) Yell "Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of the
shell". c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlings
taking off.

8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?

a) Wait until next week.
b) Wank.
c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the
Ribena ad.

9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?

a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then get
pissed.

10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?

a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.

SCORE: a) 1.  b) 2.  c) 3.

0 - 15.  If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.
15 - 29.  You must try harder.
30.  Congrats. You're one of the boys.

4. 




What is a Blondes favorite nursery rhyme? 

Hump me dump me 

5. 



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