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Today's jokes [7.22.14]

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A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger
walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up
in the woods and scratched your butt
and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your
crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"

The man said, "Of course not."

"Wanna go camping?" 


This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help 
me. I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I 
have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a 
day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but
thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," 
says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor.
"You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. 
"Twice a day." 


To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells 
her it'll make her fat. "I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter. 
Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. "If I bite my 
fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" "You'll be fatter than 
that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a 
very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's 
belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this 
stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, "Excuse me, 
but do you know me?" And the little girl says, "No, but I know what you've 
been doing..."


What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?
He gets taller!!

Sent by Bill


   A little boy walks up to his father and says, "Dad, what does a pussy
   look like?"
   Father responds, "well son, before or after sex?"
   Son, "Well, before?"
   Father, "picture a tulip with all the petals son."
   Son, "well what about after?"
   Father, "Picture a bull dog eating mayonnaise!"


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