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Today's jokes [7.20.14]

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What's the difference betwee Elton John and Princess Diana?

One's composing, the other is decomposing.


Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full. 


The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he 
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike 
cord as he went. 

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and 
nearly tripping before jerking it again. 

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew 
leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will 
he hurt us?"


Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, 
explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. "Don't 
be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet 

"Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts."

"So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet 

The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a 
few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, 
followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where 
he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into 

the bar. 

"What the hell went on in there?!" he demands.

"I told you," explained the drinker.

"No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman.

"That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."


It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married,
but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to
heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to
get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life,
and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for
them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went
on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to
St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, but
now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there
any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter.
"It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry
you. I will never get a lawyer!"


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