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Today's jokes [7.19.14]

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Osama Cave Memo
===============

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours, but we've really come 
together as a group, and I love that.  Big thanks to Omar for putting 
up the poster that says "There is no I in team," as well as the one that 
says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. 
However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of 
the cave. And frankly, I have a few concerns. 
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we 
should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you 
don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave 
daily.  I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening. 
Second, it's not often I make a video address, but when I do, I'm trying 
to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while 
we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. 
Just while we're taping. Thanks. 
Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not 
supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, 
especially after mealtime. We're all in this together. 
Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" 
on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. 
Consideration. That's all I'm saying. 
Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise 
trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for 
them.
First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard. 

Love you lots. 
Osama 


1. 




A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field
assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.

The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls
everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered
"When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro."

The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballs
everywhere. When asked why he said "When I get out of here I
going to be a professional baseball player."

The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things,
until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in the
middle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanut
on the end of his penis. The student asked, "I understand about
the others, but what are you going to be when you get out of here?"

"They're never going to let me out of here," the patient
said "I'm f**king nuts!" 

2. 




THE MASTERCARD COMMERCIAL ALL MEN ARE WAITING FOR

Cover charge: $15.00 
Round of drinks: $23.00 
Table dance: $30.00 
Another round of drinks: $23.00 
Couch dance and tips: $50.00 
A round of shots: $34.00 
A Bottle of Dom and a Limo home: 125.00 
Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00 
Sending her on her way and never having to hear her complain: 
Priceless
For everthing else.... There's MasterCard

3. 




The company president called the chief security guard into his office. 
"Chuck, we've received a complaint from one of the employees that you are 
making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don't
belong. These unwanted advances will have to stop." Chuck looked down at 
his feet and mumbled, "I'm sorry, Sir. I won't' do it again." The company 
president said, "I'm sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that." Chuck's 
face lit up. "Ms Jones?!!!! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was 
complaining!!!!"

4. 




What do you call a gay Indian? 

    A brave sucker! 

5. 



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