Today's jokes [7.16.14]
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Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot ?
A. Because you couldn't get that much shit into a shoe.
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an
anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock
them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this
store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who
explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man
explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago
and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to
bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.
The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows
the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the
customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously
of the underarm stick variety.
The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push
up bottom to use."
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his
head with a huge
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written on
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later he is
once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan
Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."
A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't
usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty
woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to
her car he says, "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever
helped out of a ditch".
"But I'm not pregnant," she says.
"Well you're not out of the ditch yet," he says.
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