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Today's jokes [7.16.14]

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Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot ?
A. Because you couldn't get that much shit into a shoe.


The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the 
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. 
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. 
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They 
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive 
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, 
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no 
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit! 


A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an 
anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock 
them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this 
store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who 
explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man 
explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago
and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to 
bring in his last purchase and he will try  to match the product.

The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows 
the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the 
customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously 
of the underarm stick variety.

The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push 
up bottom to use."


   This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
   enjoying himself,
   when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his
   head with a huge
   frying pan.
   Man: "What was that for?"
   Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
   Marylou written on
   Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
   Marylou was
   the name of one of the horses I bet on."
   The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.
   Three days later he is
   once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan
   Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"
   Wife: "Your horse called."


A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't 
usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty 
woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to 
her car he says, "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever 
helped out of a ditch".
"But I'm not pregnant," she says.
"Well you're not out of the ditch yet," he says.


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