Today's jokes [7.14.14]
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Q: Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
A: So men can tell if they are coming or going.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up
on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your
monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says
"Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me
nuts" says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and
the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is
drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs
one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The
bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass,
then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate
that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"
Men vs. Women
Men and women are not alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive
proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged:
First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to
it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then
she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup
- at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted
you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's
always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her
place as part of the foreplay.
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.
When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time
A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...
Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
in "Public Enemy."
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
expensive foreign sports car.
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.
The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."
The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works out at the health club and dates only married women.
NUDITY IN MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.
The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract
terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party."
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Why do doctors slap babies when they are born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What's green and has wheels?
I lied about the wheels
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