Today's jokes [7.13.14]

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   An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who
   had been sleeping in the bedroom.
   
   As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young
   wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
   "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with
   anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along
   with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
   
   "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you
   feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really
   nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"
   

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

An escaped serial killer!

President Clinton and his wife are at the first baseball game of the 
season. At the start of the game the pitcher comes up in the stands and 
whispers something in Clinton's ear. All of a sudden Clinton looks at 
Hillary and yells, "Okay, Hillary, GET OUT!". She looks surprised but 
leaves. The pitcher looks at Clinton and says, "No, I said to throw out 
the first PITCH!" 

There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion
came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, "How
funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?"

After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed
the lion and started pumping away. The lion freaked of course,
and jumped into the river. The lion came out of the water, roaring,
he was really upset. The gorilla decided that it was a good time
to be somewhere else, and took off running. The gorilla knew he had
to think of something quick because he wasn't going to outrun the lion.

Just then the gorilla saw a hunter's tent and ducked inside to hide.

The hunter, reading the paper, was startled and ran out of the tent.
The gorilla decided to pretend to be the hunter, he put on the hunter's
shirt and hat, and started to read the paper.

A few minutes later, the lion ran in and thinking it was the hunter
reading the paper, said, "Hey Buddy, did you see a gorilla run in here?"

From behind the paper The gorilla answered, "You mean the one that
screwed the lion in the ass?"

Flabergasted, the lion said, "Holy Shit! It's in the paper already?" 

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and
   bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to
   Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a
   day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first
   wish?"
   Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint
   grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on
   the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back
   with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee
   with Clint.
   The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can
   only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your
   wish today?"
   Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his
   horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the
   horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse
   comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee
   with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical
   white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
   The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white
   man. What you want?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The
   Indians bring him his horse.
   Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read
   my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

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