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Today's jokes [7.10.14]

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The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously
awaiting news of their mother. 
Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom. 
"Kid's......there's good news and bad news." 
"The bad news is your mother's strength and will to
live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she
died a few moments ago" 
"The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!" 


A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed 
little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."


Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.


Q: How many men does it take to mop the floor?
A: None, it's a women's job


   1200 people attended the recent International Psychic Society
   Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?"
   (Over 80% of the hands were raised)
   Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?"
   (58% of the hands were raised)
   Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?"
   (23% of the hands were raised)
   Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?"
   (3% of the hands were raised)
   Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?"
   (After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up)
   Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?"
   Attendee: "I am from Australia."
   Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"
   Attendee: "Oh sorry! I thought you said "goat."


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