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Today's jokes [6.7.14]

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Two storks on a nest, a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and
crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry Son, your
mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." 
The next night, its fathers turn to do the job.
"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing
joy to new mommies and daddies." 
A few days later, the stork parents are desperate, their son is gone from
the nest all night. Finally, shortly before dawn, he returns and the
parents ask their son where he had been all night. 
Says the baby stork, "Awww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!" 


Q: What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored?
A: They go over to the West Bank & the Gaza Strip and get stoned.


The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. 
The three of them decide to duck inside.
On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway. 
"Jesus Christ!" he says.
Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better 
than Clyde!"


   If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
   strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear
   and a superman cape.
   It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
   20 by 20 foot room
   When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too
   Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
   A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
   year old man says they can only do it in the movies
   If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
   does not leak - it explodes
   A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4
   inches deep
   Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
   Super glue is forever
   McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
   No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't
   walk on water
   Pool filters do not like Jello
   VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
   they do
   Always look in the oven before you turn it on
   The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time
   The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
   It will however make cats dizzy
   Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy


Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.


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