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Today's jokes [6.30.14]

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   A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.
   His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying
   in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
   His wife wakes up and asks, "What the hell was that?"
   He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
   She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
   He yells at her, "What was that?"
   She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
   Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10
   minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
   The wife asks, "Now what the hell was that?"
   He replied, "Half time, switch sides."


1. 




Two men were walking along the street when they came
upon a dog licking his dick.

One man said, "I sure wish I could do that." 

The other replied, "You can, but you're probably going
to have to pet him first."

2. 




A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her
ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt
and the phone rang - but instead of picking up
the phone I accidentally picked up the iron
and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But. what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."

3. 




What did Marv Albert do after NBC gave him the pink slip?

He put it on. 

4. 




As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's 
stunning, blonde staffers was transferred to an obscure base in 
Utah.

The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and 
handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well 
Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your 
last assignment."

The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it 
be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?"

5. 



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