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Today's jokes [6.3.14]

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One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I 
have a problem!" 

"What's the problem, Eve?" 

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful 
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious 
comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." 

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. 

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." 

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man 
for you." 

"What's a 'man', Lord?" 

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, 
an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you 
properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger 
and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at 
fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed 
ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." 

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. 

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt 
stick. But, you can have him on one condition." 

"What's that, Lord?" 

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."


A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,
"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this
time he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"


A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing 
where a young couple was engaged in oral sex. 

"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very 
dangerous beast out there!"

But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less 
seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was 
the couple was doing.

"Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a 
brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's 
artificial respiration!"

"WOW!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which 
merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"


At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.
The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with 
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"


Did you hear about the man who was half Jewish & half Italian?

He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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