Today's jokes [6.29.14]
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A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder.
Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds.
Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He
looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in
Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons,
and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man
climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman
slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any
means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to
success, "she says.
Again, the man elects to continue his climb.
Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually
attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or
climb the ladder to success."
Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as
he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing.
A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his
life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex
with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, needless to say he is
But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to
On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in
his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty..... "Who are you?" our
climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at
him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess.
Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
A. Speed bumps
One day an older fella was in for a checkup.
After his examination, his doctor was amazed.
"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the
greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"
"Did I say I was 64?"
"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"
"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"
"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were
25! How old was your father when he died?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"
"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from!
How long did your grandfather live?"
"Did I say he was dead?"
"No! You can't mean..."
"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"
"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think
a man would want to get married at that age!"
"Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?..."
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotchman sitting on a beach
notice a mermaid sitting on a rock. The Englishman
approaches her and says 'Have you ever been kissed?' No
says the Mermaid. He kisses her and she likes it. after a
while the Scotchman approaches her and says 'Have you ever
been fondled?'. She says no and he fondles her, much to her
delight. After onother while the irishman approaces her
and asks 'Have you ever been fucked?. she says no. 'Well
you are fucked now because the tide's gone out.
How are women like elevators?
Only about half go down.
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