Today's jokes [6.28.14]
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What do you call a nun riding piggyback on the hunchback of Notre Dame?
Virgin on the ridiculous.
A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says
"I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument
that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar
look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar.
The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string,
and starts playing the guitar.The octopus' owner
pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet.
The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks
it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy
pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching
all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back
a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his
octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give
you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the
bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another
look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner
comes over and says 'What are you waitin for? Hurry up
and play that damn thing!
The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how
to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!
I received a letter from my bank the other day, telling me,
"This is the last time we're going to spend a quarter to
tell you that you have fifteen cents!"
A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their
hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says,
"Can I help? Have you lost something?"
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on
an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."
A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of
the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got
a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist
and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented
offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing
their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for
their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local
drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his
coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his
purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate
was so high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock
train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody
up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to
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