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Today's jokes [6.28.14]

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What do you call a nun riding piggyback on the hunchback of Notre Dame?

Virgin on the ridiculous.

1. 




   A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says
   "I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument
   that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar
   look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar.
   The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string,
   and starts playing the guitar.The octopus' owner
   pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet.
   The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks
   it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy
   pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching
   all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back
   a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
   He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his
   octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give
   you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the
   bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another
   look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner
   comes over and says 'What are you waitin for? Hurry up
   and play that damn thing!
   The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how
   to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!
   


2. 




I received a letter from my bank the other day, telling me,
"This is the last time we're going to spend a quarter to
tell you that you have fifteen cents!"

3. 




A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their 
hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says,
"Can I help? Have you lost something?"
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on
an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."  


4. 




A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of 
the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got 
a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist 
and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented 
offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing 
their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for 
their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local 
drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his 
coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his 
purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate 
was so high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock 
train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody 
up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to 
get up." 

5. 



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