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Today's jokes [6.27.14]

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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

1. 




John pulled over the car by the side of the road and 
showed Brian where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree.  I remember the day 
plainly.  It was a warm summer day.  She and I were so much 
in love.  We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
"That sounds wonderful," said Brian.
"Yes.  It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was 
standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!!  What did her mother say when she saw you
making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaaaa."

2. 




A young boy asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken 
apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" 
replied by his mother The young boy answered " The other day, Daddy was
talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off 
his secretary."

3. 




One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk.
He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walking
through the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-old
boy smoking a cigarette. The Pope gently says to him, "Young
man, you're much too young to smoke!"

The kid looks up at the Pope and says, "Fuck you!"

The Pope is completely taken aback. "What?" he says. "You say
that to *me*, the Pontiff, the Vicar of Christ, the head of
the Roman Catholic Church? I am the spiritual leader for
millions of people, young man, the representative of God,
and you dare to say that to *me*? No, no, no, kid, fuck *YOU*!"

4. 




President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board 
Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip -- a live razorback. At 
the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute.
"I'd salute you back, Sergeant," says the President, "but as you can see, I've got my hands 
full."
"Yes, sir," replies the sergeant. "Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs."
"Why, these aren't pigs," the President responds. "These are RAZORBACKS!"
"Yes, sir -- razorbacks. Sorry, sir."
"Yup," Clinton continues. "Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary."
The sergeant replies: "Very good trade, sir -- very good trade." 

5. 



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