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Today's jokes [6.26.14]

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The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-
old country girl.  He was quite content, but after a few weeks 
she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get 
some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take 
him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave 
him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the 
only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to 
get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to 
work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live 
through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one 
trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied, 
he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again.  He chuckled 
with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow 
Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the 
car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep." 

Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to 
"speed it up."  He raced into the house as fast as he could for 
his last great lay.  "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask 
questions.  Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught 
up in his excitement, she did.  He undressed nervously and 
hurried in after her.  Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, 
"beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,, 
"What's all this "beep beep" shit?"

1. 




A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She
looks surprised and says, I don't have a headache!"
    
He says, "Aha!"

2. 




A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by
   two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to
   learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During
   the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was
   decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go
   with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the
   men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach
   the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the
   little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she
   couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an
   elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
   "No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
   Thanks for the lift anyhow."


3. 




Q: Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
A: Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested.


4. 




No $



Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad



5. 



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