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Today's jokes [6.19.14]

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Q: Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
A: Not today, we already dug her three times this week.


1. 




Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I
am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.

"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a
mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the
world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace,
where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I
am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am
the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a
half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is
Bill Clinton?" 

2. 




A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in 
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their 
conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says 
the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. 
Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I 
come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country 
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" 
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to 
spella Mississippi."

3. 




    Three people were standing on the Titanic, An American, a
   Brit and an belgian. It was almost sinking. The captain told everyone
   to go into the liveboats. The Brit yelled "Women and children first".
   The American said "Screw the women and children" and the Belgian
   answered "Huh, do we have enough time left to do that?"


4. 




One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother 
was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off 
the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, 
will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave 
him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep 
in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice 
saying, "The big sissy."

5. 



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