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Today's jokes [6.16.14]

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What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?

An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next 
year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...

1. 




On a first date, a guy escorts a girl home and asks:
Guy: Can I come up for a cup of coffee?
Girl: Actually, I never invite guys over on a first date.
The guy thinks for a minute and says:
Well, what about the last date?

2. 




Ventriliquist cowboy walks into town and sees Indian sitting on his porch.

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?

Indian: Dog no talk.

Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going?

Dog: Doin alright.

Indian: [extreme look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Dog: Yep

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me
to the lake once a week to play.

Indian: [look of disbelief]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Indian: Horse no talk.

Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?

Horse: Cool.

Indian: [extremer look of shock]

Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]

Horse: Yep

Cowboy: How's he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Indian: [total look of amazement]

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Indian: Sheep Lie!!

3. 




A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the
Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife
went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and
landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave
once!"

4. 




This businessman was walking down the sidewalk when a jet black van 
stopped by him. The guys pulled the man inside, stripped him of all his 
clothes till he was butt naked, threw him back outside, and then slammed 
the door shut taking off.
Five miles later the men look outside and see the businessman running 
right beside the van. The thought "oh well". So they drove on for another 
five miles, and once again they saw the businessman running beside their
van. So this time they pulled over, opened the door, and asked the man, 
"Hey, how can you run so fast?" He replied, "You would to if your dick was 
stuck in the door.

5. 



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