Today's jokes [6.1.14]
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be
able to support you. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because
women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. One golfer tells
another: "Hey, guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The
other replies: "GREAT trade!" How many men does it take to open a
beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in. What do
you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be
hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. I haven't spoken to my
wife for 18 months-I don't like to interrupt her. Women are so
unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a
bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should
she? Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them! Some
mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90 percent.... Wedding cake! Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a
little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the
crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I
wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it
up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his
"They were smoking marijuana?"
The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking
and screwing before they wrecked."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
Why do gorillas have big noses?
Because they have big fingers.
A young girl goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.
He says,"You have acute vaginitis."
She says "Thank you."
When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went
out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice
him on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there was
this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. The
the guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to the
bum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy went
over to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his
back. Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum.
Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of this
guy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to get
the hell out of here!"
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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