Today's stories [5.14.14]
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WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) -- Earlier this week, the National Institute of
Mental Health released the results of their research into the sudden
increase of primary-school shootings. NIMH researcher Eli Zleicherugg
blames it all on a set of common childhood songs. "The worst is 'Hi ho,
hi ho, it's off to school we go, with razor blades and hand grenades,'"
Zleicherugg said at a press conference Wednesday. "Not only does it lend
an almost picnic tone to the concept of school violence, but at a deeper
psychological level, it bonds the idea of mass destruction to Walt
Disney's 'Snow White.'" Zleicherugg claims the problem is nationwide.
"You can go into any sixth grade in the country, start singing 'Mine eyes
have seen the glory of the burning of the school,' and watch the little
yardapes twitch. I'm not saying that these kids are primed to explode,"
he added. "But if I were a teacher, I wouldn't delay in getting that
In a related story, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is
investigating allegations that a rise in animal abuse is directly related
to the "Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts" song.
MOST HORRIBLE DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is
Khoona. It is drunk by Afghan tribesmen on their wedding night and
consists of a small amount of still-warm 'very recently attained' bull
semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a
'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially
measured at 12 ft 2 in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his
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