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Today's jokes [5.5.14]

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How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?

Pick him up and start sucking his dick.


   A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it
   is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out
   the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or
   never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a
   parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a
   toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant.
   When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll".
   The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending
   manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie
   would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant
   continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to
   the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie dates
   BaddTeddy for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes
   Night Clubbing for $19.95, Cyber Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie
   for $265.00" The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced
   Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"
   "That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with
   Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....


*ring* *ring*
"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?"

"I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered
huskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until

"Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"


How to be a Good Wife

Excerpted from a 1950's high school home economics textbook

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a 
delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you 
have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. 
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good 
meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be 
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in 
your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of 
work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. 
His boring day may need a life.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of 
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up the school 
books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. 
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, 
and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's 
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if 
necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he 
would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise 
of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the 
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him; greet him with a smile 
and be glad to see him.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't 
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with 
what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. 
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in 
the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his 
pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, 
soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the 
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to 
dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to 
understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home 
and relax.

Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where 
your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.


                       Bill Clinton Statue Committee
                             1040 Waffle Street
                        Little Rock, Arkansas 72208
Dear Friend;

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for the raising
of $5,000,000.00 for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame
in Washington, D.C.

This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue.  It was
not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never
told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since
Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest
democrat of all.  He left not knowing where he was going, did not know
where he was, and returned not knowing where he had been.  And he did it
all on borrowed money.

Over 3,000 years ago Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your
shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised
land."  Nearly 3,000 years later Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels,
sit on your asses and light up a camel - this is the promised land."

Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise
the price of camels and mortgage the promised land.  If you are one of the
fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a
very generous contribution to the worthwhile project.


Bill Clinton Statue Committee

P.S. It is said that BIll Clinton is considering changing the Democratic
     Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for
     inflation, halts productivity, covers up a bunch of pricks, and it
     gives a false sense of security.


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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