Today's jokes [5.5.14]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?
Pick him up and start sucking his dick.
A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it
is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out
the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or
never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a
parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a
toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant.
When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll".
The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending
manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie
would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant
continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to
the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie dates
BaddTeddy for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes
Night Clubbing for $19.95, Cyber Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie
for $265.00" The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced
Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with
Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?"
"I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered
huskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until
"Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"
How to be a Good Wife
Excerpted from a 1950's high school home economics textbook
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good
meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in
your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of
work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting.
His boring day may need a life.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up the school
books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order,
and it will give you a lift, too.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if
necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he
would like to see them playing the part.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him; greet him with a smile
and be glad to see him.
Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable.
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in
the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his
pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft,
soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to
understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home
Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Bill Clinton Statue Committee
1040 Waffle Street
Little Rock, Arkansas 72208
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for the raising
of $5,000,000.00 for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame
in Washington, D.C.
This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was
not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never
told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since
Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest
democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know
where he was, and returned not knowing where he had been. And he did it
all on borrowed money.
Over 3,000 years ago Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your
shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised
land." Nearly 3,000 years later Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels,
sit on your asses and light up a camel - this is the promised land."
Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise
the price of camels and mortgage the promised land. If you are one of the
fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a
very generous contribution to the worthwhile project.
Bill Clinton Statue Committee
P.S. It is said that BIll Clinton is considering changing the Democratic
Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for
inflation, halts productivity, covers up a bunch of pricks, and it
gives a false sense of security.
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30 31