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Today's jokes [5.31.14]

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Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or 
an airline stewardess?

A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're 
going to have to do this over and over
again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this 
over your mouth and nose, and breath
normally."

1. 




It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin.  I 
slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was 
turning it on.  It became firm in my hands, and the end was 
wet.  Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

2. 




A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar
in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,
which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside
to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body
hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on
his stool, looked down at the quivering little man
and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous,
"I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the
hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old
puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my
Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

3. 




Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. 

    Wedding cake! 

4. 




Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants? 

     - So people can read her lips. 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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