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Today's jokes [5.3.14]

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How can a man tell when his sperm count is elevated?
His girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.


1. 




Virus Alert



There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated through
the email system.  If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUS
ALERT!" do not open the mail message.  If you do, the virus scrambles
the second half of every text file on your system.

VERY IMPORTANT:  If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaid
dfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj  asdfsdg  dluog av da[agj asdfajpg as
dflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae  vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adf
jdl5gkj dkllj djf hsas9kaj kuieh nx3glkj gkdls kd li8siue ghkld hks1
as dg 0vbwe  ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!

2. 




My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.

       How is she now ?
       She's fine. But, the dog died. 

3. 




For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this 
inscription:
"You are not getting older,
You are just getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not 
getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the 
bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve
the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

4. 




    The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the
   rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why
   was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in
   England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why
   did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail
   lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad
   tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that
   gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same
   jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that
   wheel spacing. Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if
   they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on the old
   long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
   So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in
   Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions.
   The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts,
   which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons,
   were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made
   for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel
   spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The
   United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives
   from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war
   chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you
   are handed a specification and wonder what horse's behind came up with
   it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were
   made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two
   warhorses.


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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