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Today's jokes [5.18.14]

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Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband,
John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend,
Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.
She yelled at Ralph: "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out
the window my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the
window and said: "I can't jump out the window! It's raining
like hell out there!" Mary cried: "If my husband catches us
in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbed
his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside
he found himself in the middle of a marathon race... so he
started running along side the others -- only he was still in
the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. 

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" 
Ralph answered, while gasping for air: "Oh yes, It feels so
free having the air blow over your skin while you are running." 

The other runner then asked the nude man: "Do you always run
carrying your clothes on your arm?" 

Ralph answered breathlessly: "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed
at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" 

The runner then asked: "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" 

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining." 

1. 




Three women, A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, all come 
home from work at the same time and get on the elevator. 

The brunette notices a blob on the elevator wall and says: " 
OOOOOhhh that looks like semen." She reaches out and 
touches the blob with her fingers and says "It feels like 
semen."

The redhead reaches out and touches it with her fingers, 
smells it, and says "It smells like semen." 

The blonde,  reaches out and touches it with her fingers 
and then puts her fingers in her mouth and tastes it and says, 
"It doesn't taste like anyone in this building . . ."

2. 




The boy asks his dad:
"What's the difference between a 'cunt' and a 'pussy'?"

The dad gets a Penthouse magazine, draws a circle around a
crotch and says: "Everything inside the circle is a 'pussy',
everything outside the circle is a 'cunt'" 

3. 




Tooth Fairy Form Letter

Dear ____________:

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of
lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your
request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odour
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
(x) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth
    fairy
( ) you were age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth (x) the tooth was
    guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
(x) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or
    were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
    [ ] string
    [ ] pliers
    [ ] gunpowder
    [ ] hammer marks
    [ ] chisel
    [ ] part of skull attached to tooth
    [ ] no dental care
( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following
certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near
you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in
the future.

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy



4. 




   A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple
   scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked,
   "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?"
   
   After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found
   my wife in bed with my best friend.
   
   "Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple
   scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house."
   
   As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So
   what did you do?"
   
   "I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in
   the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her
   stuff and to get the hell out."
   
   "That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your best
   friend?"
   
   "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad
   dog!'"
   


5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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