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Today's jokes [5.17.14]

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An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing
problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and
they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than
twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for
seven days and comeback and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I
don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting
just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for
yourself?".

"Calm down, Mrs.Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed
your
sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

1. 




I got home from work last night and said to my wife, "You are a one"
She said "What do you mean, I am a one?"
I said, "If Bo Derek's a ten, you're a one". 

2. 




A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at 
the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them 
on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then 
consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, 
"Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man 
replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic 
bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers.



3. 




What was Moby Dick's father's name?

                      Papa Boner. 

4. 




Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. 
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one 
question. 

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the 
Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. 

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that 
this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people 
died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, 
"about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." 

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them." 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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