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Today's jokes [5.13.14]

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At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here 
has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have 
had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up.
"OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three 
hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty 
good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand 
stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've 
actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up 
suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'." 

1. 




An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh
Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply. "For
Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the
GUNS!!!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up
the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused the man wrote to
his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His
son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

2. 




New scientific theories

GRAND PRIZE WINNER:  When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its
feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered
side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the
back of a cat.  When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the
ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replace
pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays"
could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.

3. 




John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Mary: Are you wearing it now?

John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top 
of the line.

Mary: What kind is it?

John: Twelve-thirty.

4. 




How do you separate the Greek boys from the Greek men at a Greek BBQ?

With a Crowbar!!!!!

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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