Today's jokes [5.12.14]
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This guy goes to sperm bank to give a sample. So the girl At the front
desk says to him:
"Thank you for coming."
A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night.
He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive
woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He
was very self concious about his eye but got up the nerve
to ask her for a dance.
"Would you like to dance with me?"he asked.
She replied "Would I!", and he sneered and told her,"BIG NOSE!"
Wife comes home to find the old man humping the dog in the front room.
Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time
you've gone too far!"
"You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."
There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam.
It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and
young George was pretty excited.
"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.
"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up
at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice
orderly fashion." said Sam.
"Okay, I can do that." George answered.
Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam
said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more
"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and
you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam.
"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.
"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will
let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?"
"Sure" says George.
Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one
end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's
instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to
say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am,
thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."
A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her
expanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your ass is getting big.almost as
big as the gas grill here." She angrily stomped across the yard, and he
followed saying, "Yep, that thing is getting huge." At this, the wife
retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape
measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "It IS as big as the gas
Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on
his wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?"
Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for just one little
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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