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Today's jokes [5.10.14]

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Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, 
lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes,
and then says, ``Dammit, I said UP.''  


1. 




Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: More to the point, what was she doing outside of the kitchen?


2. 




An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when 
all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me 
beck the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over 
again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da 
party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove 
it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, 
strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your 
telephone out."

He says, "Vy?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. 
But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the 
telephone here."

He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes 
to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, 
Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I 
told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"

3. 




Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for 
HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at 
their age, the old man said,"Well, we heard on TV that people should be 
tested after annual sex!"

4. 




A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what
happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door
and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out
of the plane!" Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet.
Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw
them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. 
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto 
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not? I said, `No, sir.
Im too scared. So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took
his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around
as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or
Im sticking this little baby up your ass." "So, did you jump?"
asked the father. 
"Well, a little, at first. 

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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