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Today's jokes [4.9.14]

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The doctor had just completed his examination of the
gorgeous redhaired beauty.
"I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic,
as he regained som of his professional dignity,
"that you discontinue some of your running around.
Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and
above all you will have to start eating properly and
getting to bed early." 
Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not
have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you
have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"

1. 




   Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up
   alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, "So...
   out looking for a little, huh ?"
   
   She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. I'm
   out looking for a lot !!!"


2. 




Two sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of their
herd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says,

"I hear they're doing this to women in Chicago!" 

3. 




Q: If fathers have Father's Day, and mothers have Mother's Day,
.what do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.


4. 




   It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
   zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
   sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass
   in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
   
   He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet),
   grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously
   excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing
   the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
   
   The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play
   along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises
   that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one
   of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear
   the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
   
   ... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
   
   Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
   door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell
   HIM you have a headache."
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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