Today's Jokes  |  Archives  |  Lists  |  Random  |  Register  |  RandJoke on Your Page  
 


Today's jokes [4.6.14]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.


The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.
"Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.

"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."

"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown
and sit a while till the sarge gets back."

"But, officer, I think you really should know..."

"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."

1. 




A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. 
During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much 
about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After 
the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much 
about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. 

"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when 
they cut IT off?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in 
half!"

2. 




A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his
birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude
due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a
deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down
at everything it sees. One day the man comes home with a
gorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing the
parrot says is " Hey bitch how much for a handjob". She
takes one look at our middle-aged friend, and runs out the
door. The next night, Our friend is visited by his mother.
The parrot opens up with,"I'll suck that crusty coin-slot
crack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you lose
that over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, and wiggle those
droopy dum dums for me. Our friend recieves a smack that
leaves a fire-engine-red print, followed by a future threat
from his father. Well Our frustrated friend can stands no
more. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it into
the freezer. After about 15 minutes of swearing and kicking
from the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silence
passes by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge.
The bird calmly perches on his finger. "Have you learned
your lesson?", he sternly said. All the parrot can say is
"I sure have. I just have one question. What the Fuck
happened to the chicken?

Sent by Rob

3. 




   A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier town during
   the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that
   the town was populated solely by men.
   
   He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the
   urge for a woman?"
   
   The cowboy replied, "See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go
   git us one."
   
   "That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer.
   
   After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He
   decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these
   yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the
   bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china
   plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.
   
   After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a
   drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm.
   The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys
   turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.
   
   The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm
   some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm
   just doing it with more class."
   
   "That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy. "That's the sheriff's
   gal you're with."
   


4. 




There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary 
school working nights as a taxidermist. 

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better 
serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his 
practice and, therefore, his income. 

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, 
Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!" 

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read

Today's Stories
Today's Poems
Today's Quotes
Today's Funny Pic

 April '14 Jokes Issues:
S  M  T  W  Th F  St
      1  2  3  4  5  
6  7  8  9  10 11 12 
13 14 15 16 17 18 19 
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 
27 28 29 30 

Jump to  



For any questions or comments email us at info@jokes2go.com
Copyright© SpekGY, Inc, 1998-2016. All rights reserved.