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Today's jokes [4.29.14]

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The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still 
not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano 
solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with 
anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells 
her he has worked out his act. 

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall 
and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to 
rapturous applause...

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to 
the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. 
He steps up to the microphone and says...

"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every 
holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you 
my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my 
unlce's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY!  GET OFF THAT 
FUCKING TRACTOR!'"

1. 




The subway car was packed.  It was rush hour, and many people were
forced to stand.  One particularly cramped woman turned to the man
behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing,
I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check
in my pocket."
"Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job,
because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."



2. 




There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering 
the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The 
priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, 
"Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and 
squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."

3. 




Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?

A: Facing Bloomingdales

4. 




Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
Little Johnny: I get up early.

5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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