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Today's jokes [4.26.14]

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It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president
had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of
his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his
wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog." 

1. 




What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
   "Look! they spelled MACY'S wrong.


2. 




Rejection Letter Reject



Ever wonder what to do when those rejection letters start piling
up?  Well here's a suggestion:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - Cut Here - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Date Today]

Dear Mr. Kennelly:

Thank you for your letter of April 17.  After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept
your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.  This year I
have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large
number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising
field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all
refusals.

Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous
experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection
does not meet with my needs at this time.  Therefore, I will
initiate employment with your firm immediately following
graduation.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]



3. 




    Are computers males or females? You decide.
   TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE:
   5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
   4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've
   established a network connection.
   3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more
   than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
   2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded
   in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested
   so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an
   under powered system.
   1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you
   have their attention.
   FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:
   5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
   4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
   future reference.
   3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
   incomprehensible to everyone else.
   2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as
   "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
   tell you."
   1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
   half your paycheck on accessories for it.\


4. 




   Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to
   his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature
   honeymoon'...
   
   He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when
   Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been
   with a man b'fore."
   
   "WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her
   head...
   
   Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door,
   into his truck.... down the mountain.... straight to his parents
   house... rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" .....
   
   His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin
   here?"
   
   Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well,
   Betty-Sue an I was in the' cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never
   been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back
   here... quick as I could!"
   
   His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON,
   Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family,
   she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"
   


5. 



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Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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