Today's jokes [4.24.14]
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What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat it! We're closed...
A man was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as far as
Cleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny. So he looked
up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem. Immediately, a
severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession. For penance, he
was told to say 10,000 Hail Mary's. So he went on driving and praying.
By the time he got through with the 10,000 Hail Mary's, he was approaching
San Francisco. Suddenly he realized he was terribly horny.
So he looked up a house of ill repute, and had an orgy. Again there was a
severe guilt reaction, so he went to confession. It was an old Irish
priest who said, "For penance say three Hail Mary's". The man said,
"What?? In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000 Hail Mary's for the same thing.
Father replied quietly, "Sure now, and what would they know about fucking
Q: What do you get when you cross an Arab with a Mexican?
A: Oil of Ole'
Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who
should he see, but his
old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris
looked so down and
dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. "Say,
Chris, how ya
doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?" If Chris had
looked sad before, at
the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came
to his eye.
"John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't
sell a tractor these days
to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and
soon, or else I'll lose that
dealership for good."
"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you
got it bad, I got it
worse. Now you listen to this...." "I went out to the barn the other
morning to milk
Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no
sooner did I sit
down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a
slappin' me with her tail.
After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over
the rafters, and tied ol'
Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work." "I didn't even
get two squirts into the
bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy,
did that upset
me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the
side of the milking stall,
and get a started trying to milk her again." "Well by this time,
Bessy's about livid, and she
doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other
hind leg. I wasn't about
to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and
tied up Bessy's left leg
to the other side of the stall." Just then John paused to take a sip
Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John,
"Well, did you finally
get to milk her?" "Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what...
If you can convince my
wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from
The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His
boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as
he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met
this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and
wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we
ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."
"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why
are your eyes so red ?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had
a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking
about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."
"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How
come you still appear so ragged ?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5
times a day for four days and not look like this."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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