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Today's jokes [4.23.14]

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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother 
Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring 
about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their 
habits, and paint in the nude. 

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the 
nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each 
other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, 
they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?" 


This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic
walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his
lustful desires rise to a fever pitch.
He is just about to put the  hard word on her when she says, "I hope you don't
mind but I'm busting to have a piss".
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why
don't you go behind these bushes".
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes.
As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling
down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through
a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his
hand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long,
thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror "My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!".
"No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."


   A Synopsis of the Microsoft Car
   At a recent computer expo (Comdex), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
   computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept
   up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
   driving $25.00 cars that get 100 miles to the gallon." Recently,
   General Motors addresses this comment by releasing this statement,
   "yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
   Below is a synopsis of the Microsoft Car: Every time they repainted
   the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally
   your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just
   accept this, restart and drive on. Occasionally, executing a maneuver
   would cause your car to stop and fail, and you would have to
   re-install the engine. for some strange reason, you would accept this
   too. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
   bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
   Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
   five times faster, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of
   the roads. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft
   upgrades for their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
   The oil, gas and alternator lights would be replaced with single
   "general car fault" lights. The airbag system would say "Are you
   sure?" before going off. If you were involved in a crash, you would
   have no idea what happened.


A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to
cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so
thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him
to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to
rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swung
the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low
passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,
"and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean
you're not the flight instructor?"


There were two cats that enjoyed running together. 
The first cat was english, called One-two-three.
The other was french and called Un-deux-trois. 
One day when they were running they came to a huge
river. The cats took a large run up and leapt as
far as they could. Which cat drowned? 
     Un-deux-trois cat sank 
     (un deux trois quatre cinq) 


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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