Today's jokes [4.20.14]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
Seminars for Men
COURSE 001 Combating Stupidity
COURSE 002 You Too Can Do Housework
COURSE 003 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
COURSE 004 How To Fill An Ice Tray
COURSE 005 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas
COURSE 006 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly - Don't Wash My Silks)
COURSE 007 Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home At 4 AM
COURSE 008 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
COURSE 009 Get A Life: Learn To Cook
COURSE 010 How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong
COURSE 011 Understanding Your Incompetence
COURSE 012 YOU: The Weaker Sex
COURSE 013 Reasons To Give Flowers
COURSE 014 How To Stay Awake After Sex
COURSE 015 SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
COURSE 016 SEX 102: Morning Dilemma - If IT's Awake, Take A Shower
COURSE 017 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
COURSE 018 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
COURSE 019 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
COURSE 020 You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
COURSE 021 Honest - You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially Naked
COURSE 022 The Obtainable Goal: Omitting $@? From Your Vocabulary
COURSE 023 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
COURSE 024 Patronizing Does Not Work
COURSE 025 Motel 6 Doesn't Always Keep The Light On
Course 026 Real Men Ask For Directions
What does the snail say when he gets on the turtle?
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the
God's Human DNA Code
For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
I have solved the mystery.
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
rest of it is comments.
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
* (C) God
/* Revision history:
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
/* Standard definitions
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth.
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
...and so on.
[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]
Q: Why do cavemen drag women by the hair instead of ankles?
A: So they don't fill up with rocks!!!
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3 4 5
6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
27 28 29 30