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Today's jokes [4.20.14]

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Seminars for Men



                               COURSE 001      Combating Stupidity
                            COURSE 002      You Too Can Do Housework
                    COURSE 003      PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
                             COURSE 004      How To Fill An Ice Tray
                 COURSE 005      We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

          COURSE 006      Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly - Don't Wash My Silks)
          COURSE 007      Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home At 4 AM
                   COURSE 008      Parenting:  It Doesn't End With Conception
                           COURSE 009      Get A Life:  Learn To Cook
           COURSE 010      How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong

                         COURSE 011      Understanding Your Incompetence
                              COURSE 012      YOU:  The Weaker Sex
                             COURSE 013      Reasons To Give Flowers
                           COURSE 014      How To Stay Awake After Sex
           COURSE 015      SEX 101:  You CAN Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try

            COURSE 016      SEX 102:  Morning Dilemma - If IT's Awake, Take A Shower
                         COURSE 017      How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
                 COURSE 018      The Remote Control:  Overcoming Your Dependency
                    COURSE 019      How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
                       COURSE 020      You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

           COURSE 021      Honest - You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially Naked
             COURSE 022      The Obtainable Goal:  Omitting $@? From Your Vocabulary
               COURSE 023      Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
                            COURSE 024      Patronizing Does Not Work
                    COURSE 025      Motel 6 Doesn't Always Keep The Light On

                           Course 026      Real Men Ask For Directions




                                                         FOR COUNSELING
                                                                CALL
                                                         1-CHA-UVI-NIST



1. 




What does the snail say when he gets on the turtle?

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!"

2. 




Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the
   other side.


3. 




God's Human DNA Code



For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
 
I have solved the mystery.
 
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
rest of it is comments.
 
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
follows:
 
===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
 *
 * Human Genome
 * Version 2.1
 *
 * (C) God
 */
 
/* Revision history:
 *
 * 0000-00-01 00:00  1.0  Adam.
 * 0000-00-02 10:00  1.1  Eve.
 * 0000-00-03 02:11  1.2  Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
 *                        will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
 * 0017-03-12 03:14  1.3  Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
 *                        elephant-dna.c
 * 0145-10-03 16:33  1.4  Removed tail.
 * 1115-00-31 17:20  1.5  Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
 * 2091-08-20 13:56  1.6  Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
 * 2501-04-09 14:04  1.7  Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
 *                        darker to match my own image.
 * 2909-07-12 02:21  1.8  Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
 *                        Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
 * 4501-12-31 14:18  1.9  Increase average height.
 * 5533-02-12 17:09  2.0  Added gay option, triggered by high population
 *                        density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
 * 6004-11-04 16:11  2.1  Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
 *                        CD.
 */
 
/* Standard definitions
 */
 
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
 
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
 *
 * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
 * inheritance features.
 */
 
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
 
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
 
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
 */
#include 
 
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
 * library sometime soon.
 */
struct genitals
   {
#ifdef MALE
   Penis *jt;
#endif
   /* G_spot *g;   Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
   Vagina *p;
#endif
   }
 
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
 * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
 */
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
 
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
 *
 * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
 * to display at birth.
 *
 * Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
 */
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
===
 
...and so on.
 
 
[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]



4. 




Q: Why do cavemen drag women by the hair instead of ankles?
A: So they don't fill up with rocks!!!


5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD




Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,
Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.



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