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Today's jokes [4.19.14]

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She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?

He: Your sense of humor.


What did the egg say to the boiling water?

"I just got laid and now you want me to get hard?!"

Sent by Sarah


Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. 
Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they 
asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the 
attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber
pot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car.
As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped 
his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."


This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me
for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman
for UPS.  Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent
section of the city.  When I rang the bell, the door opened and
there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She
had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed
in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And,
she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I
lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get
your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?"
the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate,
you jackass."


   Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was
   placed in the local paper.
   Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.
   The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would
   choose the one with the best act.
   At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared,
   since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a
   whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.
   The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed
   between his cracked and leathery lips.
   The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies
   before Gentleman."
   So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the
   music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She
   motioned the attendant to release the tiger.
   The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside
   her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the
   day she was born.
   The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped
   toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She
   threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her
   thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.
   Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,...
   Think you can do better than that?"
   The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem,
   just get that tiger out of the cage!


BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD

Dear John, I'm sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.


PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

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