Today's jokes [4.11.14]
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Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving
class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute
emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the
reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked
down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with
equal velocity. "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted
to her, as they passed by. The reply: "No... you know anything about
Age EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig
When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failed
experiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was a
When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evil
empire, I knew he was a dangerous kook.
When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War by
escalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclear
When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiated
its past, I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reagan
had nothing to do with it.
Because if that fool Reagan was right all along...
...what kind of fool am I?
A WOMAN'S SCHEDULE
1. Get up.
3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea.
5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have to stop in the
6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty
restroom. Go to a different gas station and pee there.
7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands.
8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee.
9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee.
10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex
11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A.M. waking husband but
instead of giving him head, go and pee.
One day a man and his dog walk into a bar. The owner of the
dog says to the bartender "I bet 10 dollars my dog can talk".
The bartender, naturally, accepts.
All of the sudden the dog starts reciting the Gettysburg adress.
So the bartender layes down ten dollars and the dog grabbs it
and runs out the door. The owner runs after the dog. He finds him
in a back ally (kissing) a french poodle. The owner says to his
dog "What are you doing? You've never done that before."
The dog responds: "I've never had ten dollars before."
PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.
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